Picture this: A close friend confides that he is going to take money out of his retirement account early—even though he has not yet reached retirement age. You have some concerns about this risky tactic. Do you say anything to him…or just keep your mouth shut?
Now let’s say that a coworker mentions that she is seeing a certain doctor to treat a chronic condition. You happen to know this particular doctor, and your opinion of him is pretty low. Should you tell her?
Deciding when to speak up—and when not to—can be tricky. Someone may simply be informing you of what he or she is up to and may have zero interest in hearing your two cents. He even might be insulted by your “meddling.” Then again, if someone you care about is making a troubling choice, shouldn’t you step in to protect him or her? Isn’t that what a true friend would do?
For ideas on when and how to step in and when to stay out, I called on a true friend of Daily Health News readers, life coach and regular contributor Lauren Zander. She told me that in most cases, you don’t really have to agonize over whether to give words of warning to a friend or acquaintance—because there is an easy way that you can state your case without seeming pushy.
When inserting yourself into a situation with negative information, you never want your information (or your opinion) to come off like an attack. Hence, always follow Zander’s Rule No. 1: Before saying anything else, ask permission to speak your mind. You might say something as simple as, “Do I have your permission to tell you what I think about this?” Or you might be more specific and say, “Some of the stuff you’ve been telling me lately concerns me, and you know how much I care about you. If it’s OK, may I share what worries me?”
Of course, not everyone is going to say, “Great, tell me what you think!” And that’s OK. Assuming that this person is a generally competent adult, respect the person’s wish. But if and when you’re granted permission to share your information, be sure to follow Zander’s Rule No. 2: Offer your statements and opinions as your own thinking—not as universal truths.
For instance, about the doctor that your coworker is going to, you could say, “Several people I trust have told me that he tends to overmedicate patients. I’m concerned that he may set you back,” rather than “Steer clear of him! He is a bad doctor, and you are going to be sorry if you take his advice.”
Remember, how you say something is just as important as what you say. If you’re gentle and stress the fact that you’re speaking up because you don’t want to see the person get hurt, your words are much more likely to be well-received…and you will be able to truly help.
