The pain of breaking up has been a staple of pop music for generations — and in truth, any kind of breakup, be it from a relationship, a job, even where you live, is hard to do! People stay in fractious marriages for decades… continue working at jobs that they can barely tolerate, sometimes in cities that they claim to loathe. What is it about calling something quits… finished… over… done with… that we find so incredibly difficult?
Actually, says Lauren Zander, life coach and regular Daily Health News contributor, it’s not the endings that we fear — it’s the shapeless, unknowable future that comes next. We want to know that all will be well, that we can have fairy-tale endings like the stories we listened to in childhood, in which people lived together “happily ever after.” People quite naturally fear the unknown — a situation or relationship may not be terribly fulfilling or even all that comfortable, but staying with the “devil you know” seems safer (and is more predictable) than wrestling with one you haven’t met. Also, ending what is requires a vision for what can be… it takes imagination, a tool that many adults aren’t used to using.
In truth, endings are full of gifts — most especially the opportunity for a new beginning and potentially one that is far more gratifying. Also once you’ve accepted that you’re willing to end something — a job, a romance or even an unused gym membership or volunteer activity that you no longer enjoy — you often feel an immediate sense of new freedom and energy. You can choose to use this to face the problem and fix it… or forever let go.
The hardest part is deciding in the first place — to end or not. To make this decision, Zander says that you’ll have to ask yourself some hard questions. If you’re weighing whether to stay with or leave your partner, your career or even something more ephemeral, such as your faith in a particular religion, you must identify your real feelings. Does he, she or it make you happy and energized? Or do you feel, instead, endless and insurmountable frustration, disappointment, emptiness, boredom, resentment, anger or any of a host of other bad feelings? Obviously, if the feelings you’ve ticked off are mostly — or all — on the second list, an ending is likely to be the right decision.
Acknowledging unhappy feelings toward a long-standing relationship or association is not always easy to do. People often aren’t even aware that they harbor negative feelings — they’ve grown used to hiding them even from themselves, describing everything as “fine.” They see themselves as loyal and committed and say that they accept their situation and its imperfections, but meanwhile, deep inside, they are miserable and sometimes even desperate for change. Consider, for instance, the woman who feels captive in the very large house where her children were raised, burdened by its upkeep and bored with her life — who is unable to see how it might be possible to move to an easy-to-care-for condo that would open up many new possibilities.
Feelings don’t have to stay buried, says Zander — here’s a great way to unearth them: Pay attention to what you complain about the most. Listen to yourself for a few days and hear what you say… because your complaints will reveal what you need to address. “When people constantly complain about something, they are begging themselves to put an end to the problem,” says Zander. Mind you, these complaints may not even be spoken aloud — often they just fester in your mind, leaving you feeling angry at your spouse or frustrated by your boss.
Once you become attuned to what is making you unhappy, consider what would make you happy — again, a vision will motivate you. If you already know details about the kind of job you want, you may be able to get it by transferring within the same company… or if it’s more leisure and less work in the house and garden you crave, perhaps your solution is simply hiring some help.
It’s especially important to examine your closest relationships. Are you fulfilled, happy and growing — or are you merely tolerating where you are, suffering through life out of a sense of obligation? Zander points out that if the latter dominates in your thoughts, it’s quite likely that the other party feels the same. What improvements are possible? Or if improvements won’t be enough, it may mean that it’s time to flat out end things.
If it becomes clear that what you really want is an ending, don’t be afraid to make it happen… but do be ready to experience a range of feelings, from joy to sadness, terror to relief and, without a doubt, anxiety about what comes next. Before you make your final departure, write down your dream of the future in as much detail as possible so that you don’t feel as though you are walking into the abyss. This will be your road map. Expect that your vision may change along the way — that’s quite okay! It’s part of the process.
Leaping into the unknown after an ending requires faith and trust that while life unfolds in ways that you can’t control, somehow you still will be “all right.” And here’s something you can look forward to: Zander points out that endings often are followed by a period of intense excitement. She said that time and again, she has seen her clients realize “the most important times in their lives emerged from willingness to let go of what has been outworn and is no longer useful” and that then led to a new beginning. Yes, it takes courage — but your life will be vibrant and filled with adventures that never would have happened otherwise!
