On a recent bus ride, the man sitting next to me kept drumming his fingers on his seat.
In the grand scheme of things, it was no big deal…but it was driving me crazy because I was trying to read and it was distracting.
I thought that if I dropped a hint he might stop.
I cleared my throat and gazed at his fingers.
He didn’t stop.
It left me thinking, Was it smart to hint or not?
When I posed that question to life coach and regular Daily Health News contributor Lauren Zander, she dismissed the concept of hinting. Here’s why…
First of all, why do we hint instead of speaking our minds? “Many people are afraid of coming across as rude. They prefer to appease others by being ‘nice.’ They don’t want to stir the pot and risk getting an angry response,” said Zander.
You can try hinting first, if you insist, but here’s the rub. “There is no way to hint effectively,” Zander said. “The other person isn’t necessarily going to pick up on subtle clues.” For that reason, Zander advised to skip hinting altogether and jump ahead to her recommended strategy. “My tactic is to open up to the person in a more obvious way, and there’s a way to do it gently without insulting the other person,” said Zander.
In the earlier scenario, for example, Zander suggested that I might have turned to the man sitting next to me on the bus and said—with a big smile, in the sweetest possible fashion—“I’m sorry to bother you, but your finger-tapping is loud and it’s disrupting my reading. Would you mind stopping, please?” In doing this, it would be important for me to avoid raising my voice so loud that all the other passengers could hear me, or else I would humiliate the guy sitting next to me—the best volume is just loud enough that he could hear me.
Zander admitted that this approach is riskier than hinting—especially if you’re on a long bus ride (or plane ride!). It leaves you more vulnerable. The man could ignore you and say nothing, and the tapping could persist for the rest of your trip—even if you ask him to stop a second time. Or the man could have an anger-management problem and shower you with expletives. But, said Zander, if you ask clearly but politely, he’s most likely to feel a little embarrassed, apologize and stop tapping his fingers. So in her mind, it’s worth the risk—no matter what.
Another way to get what you want without mortifying the other person is to blame it on yourself. All of us have preferences that may seem weird to others. Zander referred to them as “freak flags” and urged people to let them fly. For example, I know a woman—let’s call her Barbara—who loves brightly lit rooms and fills her home with sunlight and high-wattage bulbs. But that clashes with a good friend whose freak flag is that she can’t stand bright light. So my friend told Barbara, “I know this sounds odd and I’m sorry if it’s a problem, but I have this thing about bright lights—they really bother me. Do you mind turning down the lights just a bit while I’m here?” When you announce that you’re the person with some sort of unusual preference, it makes the other person feel less offended and encourages him or her to compromise.
Another way to deal with situations such as the ones described above, in which we’re easily bothered and feel the need to hint to others, is to alter our behaviors so the problems don’t arise in the first place. For example, if it’s almost always too hard to read on the bus with all the distractions and you find yourself fuming at something or another on every trip, stop trying to read on the bus! Instead you might use headphones and listen to a book on tape—you’ll still get your book fix, and you’ll block out noise at the same time. And my friend who hates bright lights could avoid her problem by getting together with her friend outside of their homes, such as in a restaurant that has lighting that’s not too bright but not too dim.
Just remember that when we get mad about stuff, it’s not always “the other guy’s fault,” so to speak. We need to take some responsibility and try to nip these sorts of problems in the bud!
