Even with rampant commercialization, Valentine’s Day remains a sweet tradition. Love really does fill the air. Its presence creates a gentle energy that brightens even gray February days. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could carry this gift of warmth and compassion throughout the rest of the year by demonstrating it daily — not just to our romantic attachments but to all the people we care about? More compassion in our thoughts and actions could even enhance how we interact with people we meet casually. According to life coach and regular Daily Health News contributor Lauren Zander, it’s quite easy to “spread the love” — and when you become more loving, you’ll also bring more love your way.
The first step, as always, is self-evaluation, says Lauren. At present, where are you on the loving scale? She suggests answering this question via an evaluation she asks her clients to do for all areas of their lives: Decide if the way you show love through your general presence and behavior in various interactions merits a “plus,” a “zero” (neutral) or a “minus.” “The attitude and mood that you show the world has everything to do with the inner workings and dialogue in your head at a given moment,” she explains. If you think unkind thoughts about people with whom you interact or pass on the street… or if you’re feeling cranky or irritable, you project those feelings in ways you may be unaware of. Others then may assume you are distracted, too busy for them or too absorbed in your own mind… anticipating rejection, they may decide that you aren’t a person they want to be around. This turns into an unspoken interaction based on assumptions on both sides (which may not even be true) that inserts a wedge into your relationship or puts a damper on a fleeting moment with someone you might never see again. In Lauren’s view, it was an opportunity to connect that you’ve allowed to pass you by.
Lauren explains that we all project a certain type of energy — it might be dramatic and demanding, sullen and withdrawn, panicky and overwhelmed, or critical and judgmental. To identify the energy you project, take some time to investigate your deepest feelings about the most important people in your daily life. Are you genuinely pleased to get home at night and to arrive at your office in the morning? Do you truly enjoy chatting or playing with your children or lunching with your colleagues? Ask the people closest to you for their perceptions. Do they consider it a pleasure when you come through the door… or is your presence, in fact, a little scary to them? Or do they think you are too busy and don’t really make room for them in your life?
Lauren says that it is stinginess that keeps people from making room for more love in their lives. We tend to ask what others have done for us — to wonder why we must make the first effort to be more loving. We play the tit-for-tat game … “Why should I give my spouse a big hello in the evening? He/she barely looks at me when I walk in the door!” Or, we’re simply afraid to show warmth and caring, so we convince ourselves that we’re too busy or that it isn’t important. Breaking free of this self-imposed trap requires getting out of your comfort zone and being willing to create new habits. “It takes a lot to challenge yourself to be different,” Lauren says. Although being loving greatly enhances the quality of life, she acknowledges that getting there can be difficult. “Our natural inclination is to stay the same, and it requires a lot of effort to get beyond the place where emotional stinginess keeps us.”
No matter how high you are on your loving scale, Lauren urges you to aim higher. “Become the person you want to know… the parent you wish you had… the friend, sibling, coworker you want to have now.” It’s okay to be the one who takes the first step.
Lauren says we all need to be willing to go out on a limb and take some risks. For example, saying “thank you” and giving compliments offer countless opportunities to show love and appreciation and, as Lauren says, people can’t hear them often enough. If you don’t know what to do or how to start, make an effort to find something nice to say to the people you see each day. Send three e-mails right now, expressing thanks — for a past effort, for something done or said or, for that matter, just appreciation for who someone is. “Find sincere things to say that you haven’t said before,” says Lauren. She adds that the workplace, with its many ongoing relationships, is a good arena to show more caring — maybe surprising a co-worker with a small token of thanks, such as a fancy coffee or a chocolate bar. At home, let family members know that they are important to you with everyday, simple but meaningful gestures every day — even just looking up to make eye contact and greet your spouse or child with a warm smile and honest words of concern and interest. Once you get going, you will think of many creative ways to form warmer relationships.
Here’s a practical tip to get you started: Mailing a card is a terrific way to share loving thoughts — but when the need strikes, the card store may be far away. Lauren suggests purchasing a box of blank cards and keeping a book of stamps in the drawer so you’re ready to send a note any time you think of it. “Just a simple line to say you are missing the person or how you would love to see his or her smile… that’s all you have to say,” she explains.
When we allow ourselves to experience deep love and caring in our hearts, we will feel it for others — and for life itself. It creates a whole new level of joy. “The sweeter you are yourself, the sweeter your life will be,” says Lauren.
