Things You Can Say to Opt Out of a Power Struggle

If you’re involved with a “gaslighter”—a spouse, coworker, family member or friend who tries to control you by manipulating your perception of reality—the following 16 phrases can help keep you out of his/her destructive vortex. Memorize the phrases that seem most useful for your own situation so that you can pull them out when you need them…

• “You’re right, but I don’t want to keep arguing about this.”
• “You’re right, but I don’t want to be talked to that way.”
• “I’m happy to continue this conversation without name-calling.”
• “I’m not comfortable with where this conversation is going. Let’s revisit it later.”
• “I think this conversation has gone as far as it can go.”
• “I don’t think I can be constructive right now. Let’s talk about this at another time.”
• “I think we have to agree to disagree.”
• “I don’t want to continue this argument.”
• “I don’t want to continue this conversation right now.”
• “I hear you, and I’m going to think about that. But I don’t want to keep talking about it right now.”
• “I’d really like to continue this conversation, but I’m not willing to do so unless we can do it in a more pleasant tone.”
• “I don’t like the way I’m feeling right now, and I’m not willing to continue this conversation.”
• “You may not be aware of it, but you’re telling me that I don’t know what reality is. And, respectfully, I don’t agree. I love you, but I won’t talk to you about this.”
• “I love having intimate conversations with you, but not when you’re putting me down.”
• “It may not be your intention to put me down, but I feel put down, and I’m not going to continue the conversation.”
• “This is not a good time for me to talk about this. Let’s agree on another time that works for both of us.”

Source: Excerpted from The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life by Robin Stern, PhD, cofounder and associate director, Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, New Haven, Connecticut.