One of the biggest frustrations for seniors is feeling marginalized. Your adult children are busy living their own lives… the grandkids would rather spend their time staring at little screens and moving their thumbs… everyone from young coworkers to salespeople in stores treats you as if you’re a bit out of touch. I used to accept the cliché that older people are ignored by society because their minds are slowing down — until I hit my 60s.
Perhaps my mental processing is not as speedy as it used to be, but I’m just as smart, insightful and prepared to make intelligent decisions as ever.
My conclusion: It’s not a physical aging problem that can make seniors feel pushed aside, it’s a communication problem. And only we can solve it…
Younger people interact with the world differently than you and I. They multitask constantly, putting a high value on processing large amounts of information from a variety of sources and communicating in rapid bursts. Rather than talk to someone for 30 minutes on the phone, they prefer to send 30 cell-phone text messages back and forth as they rush about their day. Speed and quantity are more important than the quality of conversations and interactions.
At the same time, older folks are also dealing with unique issues on a daily basis that younger people may not understand or value, but that have a powerful effect on the way we act.
Example: Many of us are struggling to maintain a feeling of importance and control as we let go of responsibilities and settle into retirement and downsizing.
Result: We want so much to feel important and independent that we may come off as stubborn and controlling. We’re also engaged in shaping and understanding what our life has meant, sifting through our experiences, trying to validate memories that will live on after we die. This intense need to figure out our legacy gives us a tendency to repeat stories, focus on “unimportant” details and often jump from one topic to another in conversations.
Once you understand these differences between the younger and older generations, it’s easier to see why younger family members or strangers might act as if you’re invisible or incompetent — and it’s easy to lash out when they do. But that often serves to alienate us even more.
Much better: Improve your communication style. I’m not suggesting you change your personality or act in ways you don’t believe in. Just a few tweaks in how you behave can make a significant difference in being heard. My secrets…
Present yourself as physically alert and interested. Body language is powerful, but it’s especially important for seniors who must fight the general perception that they’re “out of it.” Strategies…
Avoid starting conversations with negative words. There is no bigger turnoff to people who phone you than launching into a harangue about how they haven’t called you in such a long time… or responding to the question, “How are you?” with “My back is killing me.” All you do with such responses is make people perceive you as cantankerous.
Much better: In any conversation, engage in some interesting, positive chat before you express any discontent. And if you want to discuss someone’s failure to pay attention to you, broach it in positive terms. Instead of saying, “Would it kill you to pick up the phone more often?” try “It makes me so happy to hear your voice that I wish we could talk more often.”
Make your point right at the beginning. Younger people like to move through the world as quickly and efficiently as possible. Instead of processing information from start to finish, they jump right to the end and fill in details later.
Example: Your gutters are clogged, and you want to take your young neighbor up on his earlier offer to clean them. It may feel natural and friendly for you to build up to your request by mentioning details such as the GI loan you got after WWII to buy the house or how the neighborhood has changed, but this makes your neighbor want to roll his eyes at what he considers minutiae.
Solution: Think of conversations as newspaper headlines. Even though it may feel abrupt or awkward, present the most important information up front — “I need my gutters cleaned.” Then you can fill in any supporting background material (including expressions of thanks).
Realize the negative effect you have when you refuse to make decisions.
Example: Your adult child is worried about whether it’s safe for you to keep driving. You make excuses to avoid talking about it. You’re being evasive because you’re afraid that your car will be taken from you and you’re insulted that your child thinks you could be a danger to yourself and others. A discussion may lead to restrictions on your lifestyle and a compromise of your independence. So, you ignore the issue, hoping it will go away.
Your child may interpret your evasiveness as an inability to face reality. This colors his/her overall opinion of you. Since you won’t give him any constructive input, his conclusion is that decisions must be made for you.
Solution: Be aware of when you evade difficult decisions and instead make an effort to work toward a real solution. For instance, you can acknowledge to your child that many older people should give up their cars. But you are not yet one of them. Offer to take a driving test or a defensive driving course to demonstrate your competence. Or reach a compromise, such as not driving at night or in bad weather. Making an effort to engage in difficult choices increases your chances of getting your own way on the issues most important to you.
Avoid condemning people when you disagree with them. Aging imparts a certain wisdom that you derive from experience, but many older folks take that as a right to speak their minds whenever and however they want.
Making statements such as, “That’s the most ridiculous thing I ever heard,” may make you feel as if you’ve won the argument, but it insults other people. What’s more, when family or friends are exposed to a steady stream of your opinions and criticism, it undermines their trust and confidence in you and interferes with their ability to take you seriously.
Much better: Show a desire to understand the other person’s point of view. Say, “Well, that may be a great movie, but I didn’t particularly care for it.” You might even use humor to defuse a tense disagreement. Say, “I don’t agree with you, but I forgive you anyway” (with a smile).
