My husband and I recently celebrated our silver wedding anniversary in Bermuda. A few months later, on the eve of her second anniversary, a friend said to me, “I loved what you told me when you got back — that the best part of the trip was spending time alone with your sweetie. I hope my husband and I still feel that way after 25 years.”
Her comment made me ponder: What do long-term couples do to stay happy… and what else could we all do to make our partnerships even stronger? For insights, I turned to psychologist and couples therapist Harville Hendrix, PhD, author of the best seller Getting the Love You Want.
He told me, “We all arrive in adulthood wounded by caretakers who did not or could not respond to all of our childhood needs for security. Entering into romantic love and marriage, we tend to choose someone whose personality traits subconsciously remind us of our caretakers… then, when common situations bring up old insecurities, the wounded child in us reacts automatically and emotionally. The key to a sustainable marriage is to help each other ‘finish childhood’ by creating a safe, nurturing environment and giving each other what we did not get from our parents. And in fact, what we do to meet our partner’s needs helps develop the undeveloped parts of ourselves.”
Dr. Hendrix devised the following exercises as part of his Imago Relationship Therapy technique. They can strengthen bonds between partners — whether you’ve been married for days or decades. The exercises may seem forced at first, but with practice they come to feel natural.
A special kind of dialogue. Imago (i-MAH-go) is Dr. Hendrix’s term for our composite image of the people who influenced us most at an early age. Imago dialogue is a safe way of communicating and discussing your differences without rupturing the connection between partners. Dr. Hendrix recommended practicing for 15 to 30 minutes daily until this style of dialogue becomes automatic. Then use this technique whenever you need to say something that may be difficult for your partner to hear. To practice: Do all three steps with one person sending the message and the other receiving it… then swap roles.
Step 1: Mirroring. One partner (the sender) makes a statement about an experience or emotion, beginning with “I.” The other person (the receiver), listening carefully and visualizing the “wounded child” in the partner, paraphrases what was said and asks if the interpretation was correct. The sender clarifies the message if necessary. Example: The wife says, “I feel upset when you bring work home because we won’t have any time together.” The husband, without arguing or defending himself, mirrors her words: “You don’t like it when I bring work home because it means that I won’t pay attention to you. Is that right?” The wife clarifies, “Not exactly. I feel like your work is more important to you than I am.” The receiver mirrors again, using words that more exactly reflect the sender’s.
Step 2: Validating. This involves comprehending your partner’s thought process and accepting that it makes sense — even if you don’t agree. You may ask clarifying questions, but don’t psychoanalyze or judge. Example: The husband says, “You make sense. I can see that bringing work home does interfere with our time together.” When the receiver suspends his or her own viewpoint long enough to acknowledge the logic in what the sender says, Dr. Hendrix explained, both partners feel safer with each other.
Step 3: Empathizing. This means coming to understand your partner’s emotions by paying attention to words, tone and facial expression… and asking for confirmation that you perceived these emotions accurately. For instance: The husband says, “I imagine that when you think I am neglecting you in favor of work, you feel hurt by this neglect. Is that right?” Dr. Hendrix pointed out that you do not necessarily have to feel the same emotions as your partner, because it is the demonstration of mutual respect and caring that will bring you closer.
Appreciation dialogue. When we express negativity toward our partner, it boomerangs back to us because it can take hours or days to feel connected again. Antidote: Every day, say at least five positive things (compliments, expressions of gratitude) to your partner. Be specific and try not to repeat yourself. Examples: “It makes me feel cared for when you bring me coffee every morning”… “I admire your courage.”
Behavior change request. The purpose is to learn more about each other’s deepest needs — often the very things you each did not get in childhood — and provide opportunities to change behaviors to meet those needs. To begin, each partner makes a list of all the things that bother him or her about the other person and the feelings that accompany those frustrations. For instance: “He turns away from me when I cry… I feel abandoned,” or “She criticizes me in front of relatives… I feel shamed.” Partners do not show these lists to each other.
Next, on a separate sheet of paper, each partner writes the desire hidden in each frustration… a request for a specific action the other person could take to satisfy that desire… and a time limit on that request. Example: “I want to be comforted… for the next month, whenever I’m upset, please hug me for five minutes,” or “I want to feel respected… for the next two weeks, whenever we’re with relatives, please pay me a public compliment.” When your request lists are done, show them to each other.
The purpose: With these lists, Dr. Hendrix said, “you each have the opportunity to grant your partner one or more of the requests each week, remembering that these are gifts with which you honor each other.” Such gifts provide a solid foundation that can help sustain your relationship for years to come.
