“Coming out” to a parent is a pivotal moment in the lives of many homosexuals, so the parent’s first response will not be soon forgotten. Trouble is, a less-than-ideal initial reaction could cause lasting damage to the parent-child relationship.
A poor reaction from a parent even could make a young person who already feels socially isolated because of sexual orientation believe that he/she is completely alone, increasing the odds of depression or suicide.
My younger daughter came out to me the summer between her sophomore and junior years of college. Since then, I have talked with hundreds of parents and young people about what to do if your child tells you he is gay or if you suspect that’s the case…
Whatever your initial feelings when your child says that he is gay, your best response is one of love and acceptance.
Example: “You’re our child. We love you no matter what.”
Acceptance is what your child needs from you right now, and as a parent, your primary responsibility is to give your child what he needs.
It can help to add, “Thanks for telling me/us.” Your child has taken an obviously difficult step that allows you to know him better. Your acknowledgment of this increases the odds that the child will keep you in the loop on future developments in his life.
One way to further emphasize your desire to be supportive is to suggest that you attend a meeting together of Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG). PFLAG is a nonprofit organization with more than 350 chapters located in all 50 states (202-467-8180, www.PFlag.org). Attending meetings could help you and your child answer any questions that you might have about homosexuality. And suggesting this sends a message of acceptance and family unity to your child.
Also, ask your child whether you should share the news with friends, and if so, how he wants the news shared. Just because your child came out to you does not necessarily mean that he is ready for everyone to know.
Parents sometimes are taken completely by surprise when their children decide to come out. Some reasons for this include…
This child’s general behavior or prior relationships might have led the parents to think that the child was heterosexual. While some homosexuals exhibit interests or mannerisms that lead their families to suspect that they might be gay, others do not. It’s relatively common for those who later come out to first date and sometimes even wed members of the opposite sex, either because they are not yet fully aware of or willing to confront their true sexuality or because they wish to hide it from others.
Some relatively young children come out before their parents even realize they’re thinking about sex. Young people know more about sex and relationships and mature faster these days than they did in past generations, and some might come out at age 11 or 12 or even earlier. (Others come out as teens or college students, and still others not until well into adulthood.)
Surprised parents might be tempted to respond to their child’s coming out with words of doubt, such as, “Are you sure?”…“How do you know?”…“But you’ve always dated girls” (or boys, as the case may be). Some parents even will say, “It must be just a phase.” However, if your child has reached the point of coming out to his/her parents, there probably is no doubt.
If you do blurt out words of doubt, as soon as possible explain that this was just shock talking—and immediately express your love and acceptance of your child.
While some parents are taken by surprise by the news that a child is gay, others have suspected as much for years. These parents might be tempted to broach the subject if only to assure the child that he will be loved regardless of his sexual orientation. But it’s better to wait for the child to come to you with this information. Even if you are correct, the child might not yet be ready to face his sexual orientation, much less share it with others.
But there is something constructive you can do. Voice words of acceptance when homosexuality comes up, such as on TV or in the community. This will not necessarily cause your child to come out any sooner, but it could make coming to terms with homosexuality less stressful for the child and will strengthen your bond with him.
Among the questions and issues that often cross parents’ minds when their kids come out…
What will we tell Grandpa? (Or some other family member known for negative feelings about homosexuals.) Let your child decide when and whether to break the news to relatives who might not be accepting. If such a person is informed and responds poorly, make it clear that the rest of the family accepts this child and will not appreciate disparaging comments.
One father decided to send a family photo Christmas card, which included his daughter and her partner and their children. In an accompanying letter, the father explained that his daughter and her partner had been together for six years, and he wrote, “I love my daughter, and I admire her and have been enriched by her life experiences. I accept her without any reservation, and I want you to accept her and her family with the warmth that you have always extended to me. That’s my Christmas wish.”
What about AIDS? Yes, AIDS still is an especially serious concern for male homosexuals—but it’s also a serious concern for straight people. Whatever your child’s sexual orientation, you should help him understand the threat of AIDS and how to stay safe.
Where did I go wrong? Some parents feel guilt when they learn that their child is gay. They worry that being gay will make that child less happy in life, and they wonder whether their parenting style led to this sexual orientation. It did not. Research strongly suggests that homosexuality might have a significant genetic component and, in any event, is strongly influenced by biochemical events prior to birth. So parenting has nothing to do with it.
I accept that you’re gay, but do you have to flaunt it? This is a statement of nonacceptance. Truly accepting a child’s homosexuality does not just mean accepting it in the abstract—it also means endeavoring to make this child feel like a fully accepted member of the family. If your gay child does not feel permitted to bring a same-sex partner to family gatherings—and to kiss or hug this partner just as openly as heterosexual family members do with their partners—then the family has not truly accepted his homosexuality.
Can he change? In a word, no. Being gay is not a choice your child is making that can be reversed, nor is it a medical problem that can be “cured.” Some religious groups do claim that it is possible to “cure” homosexuality, but there is no evidence to support this. If you suggest to your gay child that his sexual orientation can be changed, all you do is send a powerful message of disapproval.
