Sooner or later, it happens to us all. We hear that a friend or family member has received a potentially life-threatening diagnosis. We want to be supportive, of course… but following our first instincts can sometimes cause unintended pain.
Social psychologist Jessie Gruman, PhD, author of AfterShock: What to Do When the Doctor Gives You — or Someone You Love — a Devastating Diagnosis, knows this all too well. She has been on the receiving end of others’ well-meant but misguided attempts to provide comfort five times, during four bouts with cancer plus the diagnosis of a dangerous heart condition. Here are some common missteps to avoid and what to do instead…
Don’t ignore the situation. Did you hear the bad news from a third party? Saying nothing to the person who is ill can make her feel as though you don’t care, Dr. Gruman said. In person or in a note, say, “I heard about your diagnosis. I’m very sorry, and I hope that everything turns out OK.”
In offering help, do not be vague or promise what you cannot deliver. Instead, make specific suggestions — “May I bring dinner on Thursday?” or “If you need a ride to the oncologist, I’m free every Wednesday.” If you are a close friend or relative, you might offer to coordinate a volunteer schedule for friends who want to help, using a list of everything your loved one thinks she’ll need assistance with (filling out paperwork, buying groceries, mowing the lawn).
Resist the urge to bombard her with information from the Internet. There are credible Web sites that provide excellent information on specific illnesses — but there are also inaccurate or misleading sites aimed at selling products or services, Dr. Gruman noted. Unless you have the skills to separate the wheat from the chaff, resist tossing medical advice at your loved one.
Spare her your war stories. Of course, you know not to reveal that your aunt died of that particular disease. But neither should you say, “My aunt had your disease and lived to 100, so you’ll be fine.” This discounts your loved one’s legitimate feelings of fear, sadness and loss. What does help: “I know several people who have had this disease and really liked their doctors. Would you like me to get information about these physicians?”
Don’t preach optimism. Insisting that all will be well denies your loved one the chance to express how she’s really doing emotionally and thus makes her feel more alone. Nor is it helpful to say that her illness could be a life-transforming blessing in disguise… you can’t know whether that will be true. Simply acknowledge, “I know that you’re scared. I’m scared, too. But I love you and I’m here for you.”
Remember that this isn’t about you. If the ill person is a relative and the disease is genetic, you may worry about getting it, too. If she is someone whose help you rely on, such as a key coworker, her illness may be disruptive for you. Nevertheless, do not express these concerns to the patient herself — she has enough on her plate. Find someone else with whom to discuss your situation.
Guard her privacy. It can feel demeaning to the patient when everyone is talking about her personal information, Dr. Gruman noted. Ask your loved one what information she does and does not want you to share and with whom.
Treat her like a regular person. Invite her to go out for lunch, attend a lecture or get manicures — whatever you’ve always done together. If she’s not up to it, she’ll tell you. But by treating her like a normal person rather than a sick person, you remind her that, despite her illness, she remains a valued friend, relative or coworker… and that she has strengths, talents and experiences that will help her find her way through this difficult period.
