When viewed in a particular way, family photos not only can help you bear the grief when a loved one is close to death or has recently died, they also can help you mend strained relationships with family members who remain. The secret: Create a family photo biography, a sort of visual family timeline.

Barbara Okun, PhD, a clinical psychologist/family therapist and coauthor of Saying Goodbye: How Families Can Find Renewal Through Loss, said that, in addition to keeping treasured memories alive and fostering introspection that leads to personal growth, a photo biography can help you resolve long-standing grievances and misunderstandings. Why bother unearthing long-buried family issues at this point? “Because these issues will emerge, and they will affect the way the family responds to the crisis of a relative’s terminal diagnosis or death. To prevent them from further poisoning the waters, it is better to identify and face unresolved grievances now, and really put them to rest, instead of thinking you can sweep them under the carpet,” she said.

How to make your family’s photo biography: Start by assembling a collection of family photos spanning as many years as possible, Dr. Okun advised. Look through your old photo albums and computer photo files…check archived images on Facebook and print the ones you want to include…ask relatives and friends to contribute photos, too. The idea is to compile a mix of old and new photos of your loved one, yourself and your other immediate and extended family members. Aim for at least one dozen to two dozen photos.

Clear a large tabletop so you have plenty of space to work—this has the advantage of allowing you to see all your photos at once. Arrange the photos in chronological order, starting with the oldest photos at the top of the table and ending with the newest ones at the bottom.

Now, study the pictures to see what memories, feelings, questions and concerns they might evoke. Ponder your place in the family…your relationship with the person who is ill or whose loss you are mourning…and the connections between you and the other members of your family. To get started on this introspection, ask yourself questions such as…

  • What memories are being most powerfully triggered as I look at the photos of my loved one? What emotions surface for me as I contemplate these memories?
  • How have my feelings toward this person changed over time, and what precipitated those changes? What regrets do I have about my relationship with my loved one? What would I change if I could, or what can I do now to mend the relationship?
  • Am I jealous of, angry with or emotionally distant from any other family member now, and how does that make me feel? If that person were dying, would my feelings about our strained relationship change?
  • To whom in the family am I closest now, and to whom was I closest in the past? Am I content with the current level of closeness? Is there anything I’d like to do to be even closer?

As you study the photos: Look for patterns in relationships that are no longer serving you well. For instance, the photos may remind you of the way your older brother always took charge when you were growing up—but now you realize that you don’t want him to make all the decisions during the current crisis of a parent’s decline.

Also take note of anything that surprises you. For instance, do you see an unexpectedly vulnerable or tender expression on the face of the sister whom you always considered hard-hearted? Are there a surprising number of photos of your “workaholic” father playing ball or clowning around with you? Such concrete evidence may convince you that distorted memories have been detrimental to your relationships.

If you realize that you regret a rift with a loved one who has already died, you can still make some peace with the past. For instance, try writing that person a letter or imagining a detailed conversation in your head, saying whatever you wish you had said while the person was still alive. Then imagine yourself forgiving yourself for your part of the conflict.

If you realize that you want a closer relationship with a family member who’s still alive, don’t be afraid to reach out to that person and explain how you’re feeling…while there’s still time to mend fences. How to open that conversation? “You can say, ‘I’m feeling bad about the rupture in our relationship. I would like to hear your thoughts and feelings about it and take responsibility for my part.’ Or sometimes asking another relative to initiate the contact can be helpful,” Dr. Okun suggested. “The point is that all parties to a relationship bear some responsibility for that relationship, both positive and negative. It takes both parties to reconcile—so if the other party does not want to engage with you, at least you know you tried.”

For more ideas on how to repair a family rift, read “When Siblings Get Stuck In a Cold War”…and “When Anger Separates Family Members.”

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