A friend digs into a bowl of chips, then offers you some, too. Maybe she says that you have to “save her from gobbling them all herself”…or maybe she eats just a few, then keeps pushing the bowl toward you. To make her happy, you eat, though you don’t really want to…then you berate yourself later for blowing your diet again.
If you’re the kind of person who likes to please others, this scenario is likely to sound familiar. A recent study showed that individuals with people-pleasing personalities are particularly prone to let others influence what they eat—even when it undermines their own dietary goals—because they don’t want to upset anyone else by “outperforming” them with healthy food choices. Often these people-pleasers do not realize what’s going on, which makes it hard to change, according to the study leader, Julie J. Exline, PhD, an associate professor of psychology at Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland. How to halt the cycle…
Tell yourself—honestly—whether you are a people-pleaser. Understanding why you are vulnerable to a food-pushing friend’s powers of persuasion is an important step toward change. Dr. Exline explained that people-pleasers want to be seen as nice…hate letting others down…fear disagreement or disapproval…and are easily influenced by others.
Learn to spot the food-pushers among your friends. Recognizing the dynamics of the relationship helps make you less susceptible to others’ diet-sabotaging influences. Types of food-pushers to watch for…
- The “deserving” friend is a master at justifying her own excesses and yours—“We exercised today, so we deserve to splurge at the drive-thru.” No matter what the mood or occasion (“We need consolation” or “It’s a celebration!”), she always finds a “logical” reason to indulge.
- The insecure friend wants you to join her food fest because, deep down, it makes her feel less guilty about her own questionable dietary choices. When you resist, she makes you feel guilty for “abandoning” her…so instead you try to match her bite for bite.
- The ultra-competitive friend sees calorie counting as a contest—and she’s determined to beat you at the game. She pushes you to eat so that she can demonstrate her superior self-control.
- The “skinny Minnie” friend is one of those lucky few who can eat at will without gaining weight, so she encourages you to eat like she does. She can’t understand that, unlike for her, for you those extra calories bring unwanted pounds.
- The “live for the moment” friend focuses on short-term pleasures. “Try this restaurant’s amazing pie—who knows when you’ll have another chance?” she may say, ignoring the long-term consequences.
Practice responding to food-pushers in healthier ways. If any of these gal-pal types sounds familiar, don’t despair—you don’t have to sever the friendship or never share a meal with her again. Instead…
- When a friend urges you to eat, ask yourself, Am I hungry?…Do I really want to eat this?…or, If I were on my own, would I eat this now? Unless the answer is yes, commit to saying, “No thanks.” Then hang in there. Even if you feel anxious at the moment, making a healthy choice now is likely to make you feel good later.
- Be honest. If you make an excuse (“I can’t eat, I have a stomachache”), your pal is likely to push food on you again the next time you’re together. Instead, Dr. Exline suggested, go for a permanent solution by politely explaining your goals: “I’m committed to making healthy food choices, and I’d be so grateful if you’d support me in this.” A true friend will applaud your efforts, not undermine them.
- If a pal’s food-pushing persists, limit your get-togethers to activities that don’t involve eating. Also, spend more time with friends whose diet goals match your own—so you can bring out the best in each other.
