Kate Spade and Anthony Bordain’s recent suicides have reawakened the national conversation about depression. And now, many people are still left wondering—What would I do if a loved one were seriously depressed?
We’ll never know whether more could have been done to save these two public figures. But it is important for everyone to realize that there are practical and effective ways to help a loved one who is depressed—whether or not he/she is suicidal.
Depression causes many well-known symptoms, such as lethargy, insomnia, loss of interest in work and hobbies, rumination, hopelessness and despair. But perhaps the most difficult behavior to cope with in a loved one who is depressed is the person’s tendency to withdraw. Your loved one’s depression is likely to leave him feeling deeply alone and misunderstood.
That’s why it’s crucial that you respond appropriately when your loved one shares any of his feelings—even if they sound angry, defensive, illogical or accusatory.
Here are the approaches that will allow you to help a loved one with depression…
• Use the “observer’s mind.” With this approach, you detach yourself from the situation so that you respond to the feelings behind your loved one’s words rather than their literal content. Pay close attention to the person’s facial expressions, hand gestures, body language and tone of voice rather than focusing so much on what the person is saying. You might think to yourself, It looks like my husband is angry…or My wife seems lost and confused…or Maybe my son is scared.
This way, you don’t take your loved one’s comments personally—and you avoid being drawn into an argument neither of you wants. Instead, you simply look and listen without responding immediately to what the person with depression is saying—you are silently calm, receptive and empathetic—and then you respond with support and help, using the next step…
• Validate your loved one’s feelings. Try a technique known as “mirroring,” which helps neutralize an intense situation. With this approach, you verbally reflect back what your loved one is saying on an emotional level, not necessarily on a content level. This process validates his emotions and helps him feel heard and understood (the experience that a person with depression wants the most). Two examples…
Example #1: Your loved one says: “I’m all alone.”
Don’t say: “No, you’re not. I’m sitting here with you right now.”
Do say: “I’m sorry you’re feeling alone right now. Is there anything I can do to help? Together, we’ll get through this lonely feeling.”
Example #2: Your loved one says: “Why bother? Life isn’t worth living. There’s no point in going on.”
Don’t say: “How can you think that? You have two beautiful children and a great job. I love you. You have everything to live for.”
Do say: “I know it feels that way to you right now, but I want you to know that you matter to me and to the children. We’ll get through this hopeless feeling together.”
Very important: Notice that these “do say” examples all include statements that validate your loved one’s feelings and a second statement that reminds him of your dependability—and of hope for the future.
Research shows that 80% of people with depression can be helped with psychotherapy and/or medication. Even though depression can make it difficult for the sufferer to motivate himself to reach out for help, you can play an active role in encouraging your loved one to get the care he needs. Trust your instincts. If you are concerned, do the following…
• Take charge. Assisting your loved one in getting professional help is crucial—even if he protests.
• Enlist support. Call your family doctor, clergyman, therapist or another health-care professional, and ask for advice in creating a realistic plan of action to help the person with depression.
Schedule an appointment for your loved one to see his doctor, who may refer him to a psychiatrist or psychologist. (If you think your loved one would prefer scheduling this appointment himself, consider allowing him to do so.)
• Call a meeting. Include the person with depression and any other friends or family members whose support you can count on. Tell your loved one: “Honey, we’re all here because we’re worried about you and don’t want you to suffer. We’ve scheduled an appointment with the doctor. You and I can go together and figure this out.” (As an alternative, you can simply give your loved one the doctor’s phone number and offer to go with him to the appointment.) Most people who are suffering with depression are grateful that they are no longer emotionally invisible. When all of these elements are in place—especially your emotional resolve—there’s a good chance your loved one will respond appropriately.
If a loved one makes statements that suggest he/she may be thinking about suicide (for example, “You’d be better off without me”…or “I just want to check out”), this is an emergency. It’s a myth that people who talk about suicide don’t actually follow through. What you say and do in these situations can be vital to your loved one’s survival.
What to say: “I know things look hopeless right now, and I’m taking this very seriously. We need to get help”…or “I’m here with you, and I’m not going to leave. You’re not alone. We’re going to the hospital right away.” For advice on assessing the problem…
• Call your local suicide-prevention center. Or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255.
If the situation is dire…
• Call 911 or the police. Emergency workers and police are trained to deal with mental health emergencies. They will come and determine if your loved one should be hospitalized. The key is whether he is a danger to himself or others.
