The secret to being a great lover is not necessarily a matter of knowing exotic techniques in the bedroom. It is more about developing an attitude of openness and curiosity — and making a commitment to keeping passion alive. Here’s how anyone can be a better lover…
When we show appreciation, it creates good feelings, which draws us closer to our partner. Often we notice something about our partner that pleases us, but we don’t think to say anything. Instead, speak up.
Example: “I really admire the way you stood up to your boss. That took guts.”
Even better, tell others how proud you are of your partner, in your partner’s presence. Champion your lover.
Example: “Have you heard about the fund-raising drive she organized? She did an amazing job.” Bragging about other people isn’t offensive if it is obvious that you take genuine pleasure in their achievements and aren’t just trying to impress others.
Both men and women enjoy being told they are attractive. When she wears that dress that shows off her body, tell her how great she looks. When he steps out of the shower, tell him how sexy he is.
Pure, nondistracted attention is affirming and seductive. When your partner tells you about his/her thoughts, feelings, desires or just the things that happened that day, stop what you’re doing and really listen. Don’t keep tapping on your computer keyboard or have one eye on the television.
Another way to pay attention is to show that you are thinking of your partner. Make a cup of coffee for her while she is in the shower, and clear the snow off her car. Call him during the day to tell him you love him and let him know about an article you read in the paper that you think he would find useful. Draw her a bath with lavender bath salts when she comes home from work.
Shake up your routine so that you see each other with new eyes. If you have fallen into the habit of cuddling on the couch and watching DVDs on the weekend, take a day trip instead or invite friends over for dinner. Exchange chores for a week.
Bring a sense of adventure to everyday events. Point out to each other the birds that are visiting the backyard bird feeder or the trees that are budding in your neighborhood. The ongoing accumulation of shared experiences, small and large, builds your shared personal history and increases intimacy.
Although planning may seem to work against adventure and spontaneity, the opposite is true. If you think about the times when so-called spontaneous sex happened, it was most likely possible because of planning — whether for a dinner date or a luxurious vacation. This planning doesn’t necessarily mean planning sex — it means taking the time to create an environment conducive to intimacy.
Touching is the most powerful way to connect. It releases the “love hormone” oxytocin. The more you touch each other, the more you will desire each other. Give each other massages… cuddle first thing in the morning… pause for a full-body embrace as one of you is going out the door… take his arm or place your hand on the small of her back as you are walking… hold hands before going to sleep.
Be aware that men need to be touched two to three times more frequently than women to maintain the same level of oxytocin, according to a study by Swedish researchers.
Many people believe that they should be able to intuit what will make a partner happy in bed. But it is dangerous to assume that you can figure out what your partner wants without asking. You may wind up focusing on activities that you enjoy but that your partner does not and vice versa.
It is helpful to have this conversation in broad daylight so that you can see your partner’s face and subtle reactions. If you are self-conscious about raising the topic, try doing so when you are lying down and snuggling, with low lighting — but not in the middle of sex. You can say, “You know, I was reading an article and realized that there are some things I don’t know about what you enjoy in bed. I would love to know more, because I want to create that kind of pleasure for you. And I’d love to tell you about some things that sound exciting to me.”
If your partner is shy and doesn’t offer ideas, you could suggest a particular activity and say, “I thought this might be fun to try. Do you think you would like it, or is there a variation you might like more?”
If your lover has been touching you in a way that you don’t enjoy anymore, speak in terms of your nerves and sensations. This keeps the information from feeling like a personal criticism. Example: “You know, it’s almost like this has a different sensation for me — I might like it a little lighter or more on this side.”
Kissing is one of the least threatening, and most exciting, ways to vary your intimacy. But couples fall into a pattern where they essentially stop kissing or kiss in the same way, in the same places, time after time. Instead, experiment with playful Eskimo kisses (nose to nose)… kiss your partner’s lips in a new way… explore your partner’s body with your mouth.
One way to let your lover know what style of kissing you like is to begin kissing him/her the way you enjoy being kissed. Pause in mid-kiss and say, “Mmm, I love the way this feels.” Then say, “Hey, would you show me what it feels like to be kissed by me just now?” Reinforce by saying, “Oh, do more of that.”
Engage all your senses — smell, hearing, touch, taste and sight. Light scented candles… play pulsating music or the song that was playing when you met… put fresh sheets on the bed… feed each other foods that you find aphrodisiacal (anything from oysters to chocolate-covered strawberries)… put a different-colored bulb in the bedside lamp.
