Here’s a frightening scenario—your elderly mother has been sending money to a new “friend” she met on the Internet. You confront Mom and deliver a lecture on the dangers of online romances, fraudulent charities, cognitive decline and safety in the digital age. She is embarrassed and promises to do better. But then you catch her again, sending even more money. This time, she just shuts down or outright lies…and treats you like the bad guy. “It’s my money” she says. “I can spend it any way I want.”
The US Treasury Department reports a shocking 16,000 cases a month of elder financial exploitation totaling $27 billion annually. Often, the crimes are committed by someone the elderly person knows and trusts such as a relative or caregiver.
There are plenty of practical steps to help safeguard your parents’ finances if they are open to it—among them, changing their passwords and monitoring their financial accounts for suspicious activity.
But what happens if your parents won’t listen to reason and your efforts just trigger resentment and deception?
It’s heartbreaking to watch your parents being taken advantage of, says eldercare psychologist Ron Acierno, PhD, especially if they’re on a fixed income and need that money to live on. You may get so frustrated that you want to take complete control…or just give up and walk away.
Bottom Line Personal asked Dr. Acierno why this phenomenon happens to so many families and what you can do to protect your parents more effectively….
Why Mom Won’t Listen to Reason
Age-related changes in cognitive function, including slower processing speeds and difficulties with attention and memory, happen on a spectrum. It is not uncommon for an elderly person to be perfectly capable and independent in day-to-day life, going grocery shopping, socializing and driving themselves around. But at the same time, they can be unsure, overly trusting or inconsistent, especially when it comes to money matters…and that makes them more vulnerable to financial elder abuse.
Financially exploited older adults often have decreased function in the area of the brain that detects deception. At the same time, your parents are likely fighting emotional impairment, perhaps intense loneliness and social isolation, that makes them vulnerable to scams. Con artists don’t just ask for money—they offer attention, excitement and a sense of purpose to elderly victims. So when you try to rationally convince Mom that she is being swindled, she may sense something isn’t right but be content to suspend her disbelief, especially if the attention received from the fraudster is reinforcing.
That means you need to try a different approach that involves trust-building and collaborative problem-solving and makes your parents feel safer and more secure with you than they do with the scammers.
Fraud-Prevention Strategies to Protect Your Elderly Parent
Recognize that your parents are being influenced by a scammer and hiding bad financial decisions
Signs include…
They are getting past-due bills or paying only the minimum on their credit cards. When you ask, their excuses are evasive and vague (for example, “I had extra expenses here and there this month”…“My Social Security check must have come in late”).
They receive a lot of text messages or phone calls and insist on being alone when they respond.
They are suddenly reluctant to give you access to their checkbook or online accounts, or they stop asking for the usual help with their finances.
Approach your parent with compassion, not shame and/or blame
Your elderly mother is hiding information or acting defensive because she fears being judged. Don’t initiate the conversation with accusations, such as “How could you fall for sending money to someone you never met?”… or “Why would you trust a stranger more than your own child?”
Better approach: Validate your mother’s experience and show curiosity. This allows you to establish trust, makes her feel less isolated and opens a more productive dialogue. Example: “You are a very generous and kind person. I can imagine how good it must feel to help someone in need. I’m not telling you what to do. I love you, and I am just worried because this person seems to be hurting you. You don’t deserve that.”
Understand what you are up against
Try to determine the deep needs that con artists are satisfying in your parents. The answers may surprise you. Has Dad’s social life been devastated since he had to stop driving? Is Mom afraid when her memory slips? Do your parents feel invisible or lack intellectual stimulation? Then you can figure out how your parents’ needs can be met in safer ways.
Important: Don’t confront or threaten the scammers yourself. They are unlikely to back down, and in your parents’ eyes, it can make the criminals even more compassionate allies, while you come off as controlling and trying to infantilize your parents.
Create and implement plans that balance safety and autonomy
The hardest thing I have to tell adult children is this—if your parents still have normal decision-making capacity, they have the right to make their own poor financial choices just like any other adult. That means you have to straddle that line between support and overstepping. How to do it…
Encourage parents to participate in stronger real-life social networks that are meaningful to them. I worked with a family who took turns driving their dad, a retired professor, to audit classes at a nearby college each week.
Look for opportunities to make parents feel empowered and competent. Example: If you drive your mother to a doctor’s appointment, say, “You can repay me by coming over and making cookies for my kids this week. They live for your cookies! Is it a deal?”
Collaborate instead of making unilateral financial decisions for parents, perhaps by getting them to agree to let you monitor their accounts, rather than control them. Don’t tell them they have to stop giving money to so many charities. Instead, negotiate reasonable guardrails with them. Another compromise: Set up text alerts for credit cards and bank accounts, but have the alerts go to both of you so it’s a team effort. Example: Set up a monthly budget with your mother that first allows her to pay her bills and stay secure but also allows her give away limited money to friends, charities, Internet opportunities or anything else she deems important. No questions asked.
Bring in trusted messengers
If you have limited influence on your parents, enlist professionals they respect to help you, such as an accountant, a faith leader, a financial advisor or a doctor. Ask your parents’ primary-care physician to suggest they get a neuropsychological evaluation to assess their financial capacity. This can be used as a baseline for future cognitive evaluations, as well as clarify to your parents that they may need more support in their financial life.
