When it comes to your personal safety—and that of your loved ones—one of the best tools at your disposal is the ability to de-escalate a tense situation. Bottom Line Personal asked personal-security expert Tom Patire to share some de-escalation techniques used by experts that you can use if you find yourself facing trouble.
Americans are on edge…and with good reason. During the pandemic, we became accustomed to a certain amount of personal space, so we’re now less comfortable about strangers getting too close. On top of that, we are politically divided, and many of us are struggling financially. Social media put the icing on the cake.
Result: Minor nuisances such as an honest mistake made in traffic…knocking into someone’s beer at a baseball game…or unintentionally blocking a shopping aisle can be taken as personal insults that are met with instant hostility. Instigators and agitators often make things even worse, egging people on who perceive that they’ve been wronged. Crisis-intervention techniques can help you defuse such situations and get you and your family home safely.
Before learning about specific de-escalation techniques, it’s important to consider their purpose. These strategies are for when trouble somehow finds you—not for you to wield when you see two other parties in conflict in public. Police officers, security guards, bouncers and even school principals may have an ethical and professional responsibility to intervene and de-escalate situations that don’t directly involve them…but you do not. De-escalation is not a way for you to be the hero of a situation—it is a way for you to make a successful escape when trouble has landed in your lap.
The De-Escalation Mentality
To successfully de-escalate a situation, you must overcome two deeply ingrained social impulses…
Pride. Most of us are walking around with a headful of Hollywood movie scenes where the main character (that’s us, of course) always comes out on top. Winners, we’re taught, never eat crow.
Last-Word Syndrome—the inability to let someone else make a remark that goes unanswered. You cannot de-escalate a situation if you are not willing to compromise, swallow your pride and, yes, let a total jerk get in the last word.
Use the following de-escalation techniques to get yourself out of stressful and potentially dangerous situations.
Technique: Exterior Observation
One of the best ways to get out of tough situations is to recognize the signs early on. Sometimes trouble comes out of nowhere, but often it is predictable. Are you in circumstances where people are hot, crowded, pressured, stressed? Are you at a game between two teams that are arch-rivals? Have people around you been drinking? Has a flight been delayed? Is there a traffic jam? Situations like these should put you on the alert for trouble.
Pay attention to how an aggressor is acting. The word “escalation” is used for a reason. At the beginning of a confrontation, the person may be only mildly annoyed, but as two people begin posturing and threatening one another, the situation ratchets up toward physical violence—faces grow flushed, they move closer to one another, fists are clenched, and voices become louder and more strained.
Technique: Self-Observation and Control
Thanks to an aspect of human psychology called the Mirror Effect, we tend to match the body language of people with whom we’re interacting. It’s part of the reason these situations sometimes escalate—one person takes on a threatening posture, and the other subconsciously mirrors it, posing more of a threat to the first person.
Listen to your own voice. Are you starting to shout? Have you taken on a fighting posture? Are your arms crossed? If so, it’s time to get yourself in check. Take a step back. Modulate your voice. Give yourself “alligator arms”—keep your hands close to your midsection, elbows never extended, with open, upturned palms. Thanks to the Mirror Effect, your aggressor may follow suit.
Technique: The Three As
The crux of de-escalation centers on three actions all starting with the letter A…
Apologize. It can be difficult to apologize to someone who you know is at fault, but it often does wonders to calm him/her down. You don’t even need to apologize as if the situation were your fault. Example: You might say, “I’m sorry it’s so crowded in here,” or, “I’m sorry you’re so frustrated. We’re all just trying to see the show.”
Agree. Wherever possible, validate the aggressor’s point of view. Say something like, “I know I should have seen you coming,” or “You’re right. There’s just too many of us in this room.”
Appease. See if you can find a way to make things right. If you’ve spilled someone’s drink, offer to buy him another one. Aggressors often make demands, such as, “If you don’t back off, you’re going to get it,” or “You better quit giving me that look.” Do what the person is suggesting, and back off or look away.
Technique: Docility
Most aggressors are acting out, at least in part, in a performative way. As such, they want a worthy adversary. By conveying to them that you are a docile person, you discourage the confrontation.
Request civility. If the person starts shouting, say in a calm voice, “Can we both talk about this civilly, please?” That’s very different from shouting, “Don’t you raise your voice at me!” It shows that you’re willing to compromise and that your blood pressure is not up.
Plead docility. You’re trying to get out of the situation without getting hurt, so there is no shame in saying, “Look, I don’t want any kind of trouble. I’m a family man with kids at home. Why don’t we just see if we can work this out?”
Listen more and say less. You can’t get into an argument if you don’t argue back.
Technique: The Triangle
Confrontations usually begin when the aggressor sees or hears you doing or saying something that displeases him…and these situations typically end when you are no longer within the aggressor’s line of sight. Therefore, your goal should be to make yourself scarce as soon as possible.
The triangle method of personal safety helps you achieve just that. Envision the physical layout of the confrontation as three points of a triangle. You’re one point…your aggressor is the second point…and your best exit is the third point. As you’re engaging in the conversation with the aggressor, maintain a distance of at least six feet and think about how you can reach the exit. Pivot your body so that you’re no longer 90 degrees from the aggressor but rather 45 degrees. As you apologize, agree and appease, calmly move toward the exit point. Get around a corner and out of sight as quickly as possible without encouraging the aggressor to chase you. If ceding the territory seems like too much for your pride, ask yourself, Would I rather be safe and remove myself…or be sorry if I stay?
Bottom Line Personal interviewed Tom Patire, a licensed bodyguard, personal-safety expert, and CEO of CDT Training Inc. and State of the Art Security Agency. TomPatire.com
