The way people behave in relationships is largely dictated by their attachment styles, including anxious attachment style and avoidant attachment style, among others. Your attachment style describes how you seek connection, respond to rejection, and prioritize things like independence, closeness, and communication.
Mark Blais, PsyD, with Massachusetts General Hospital, explains that humans are born with a psychobiological system, known as the attachment behavioral system. It motivates them to seek connection with others (attachment figures) in times of need. “Through biopsychosocial maturation, specific attachment styles—internal models of self-in-relationship—develop,” he says.
Attachment styles are systematic patterns of emotions and behaviors that characterize the nature of a person’s close relationships. Different styles influence how individuals see themselves and others, and how they deal with issues such as intimacy, trust, and other elements of a relationship.
There are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant attachment style.
Secure attachment means you trust your partner and you feel that if you express your needs, your partner will respect and meet your needs. Secure attachment can establish the foundation for successful and fulfilling long-term relationships.
What Is Anxious Attachment Style?
People with anxious attachment, sometimes called anxious-preoccupied attachment, want to be in a close, intimate relationship, but they fear rejection or abandonment. As a result, they tend to have a high need for reassurance and codependency.
If you have an anxious attachment style, you may seek validation from someone outside yourself. You also may become especially upset when problems arise in a relationship or when a relationship ends. Having an anxious attachment style can sometimes make it difficult to maintain a healthy relationship.
What Is Avoidant Attachment Style?
The two types of avoidant attachment styles can also make it difficult to have long-term, mutually rewarding relationships. Dismissive-avoidant attachment is characterized by a preference for independence and self-reliance and fear of dependency. People with this style may struggle with intimacy, appear emotionally distant, and rarely seek support from their partners.
If you have a fearful-avoidant attachment style (sometimes called disorganized attachment), you deeply desire close relationships, but you are fearful of them. Having this style can lead to emotionally intense and unpredictable behaviors in relationships.
How Attachment Styles Develop
Attachment styles form in infancy as children develop bonds with their parents and caregivers. But you continue to develop, adapt, and refine your attachment style throughout your lifetime. You may have different shades or versions of your style with different people, depending on the degree of match between your styles. You may have a secure attachment style with one partner, but after a divorce, for example, you may approach your next relationship, at least initially, with a fearful-avoidant attachment style.
Understand that attachment styles exist on a spectrum, rather than as rigid patterns that are always easily identifiable. Some people may exhibit a combination of attachment styles. Recognizing and understanding your attachment style, or styles, may help you gain insight into repetitive problems in current and past relationships.
How to Fix Anxious Attachment Styles
Regardless of how you might characterize your attachment style, if you find yourself unhappy in your relationships or struggling to develop or maintain a healthy, trusting, and loving relationship, consider seeing a therapist. It could be a licensed marriage and family therapist, a couples counselor, or a therapist who specializes in relationships. Counseling and therapy for anxious attachment style in relationships can help you learn to recognize unhealthy thinking and behaviors and, instead, develop a healthier, more realistic mindset.
The same is true for people with avoidant attachment styles in relationships. In fact, it’s not uncommon for two people in a relationship to have different attachment styles. Individuals with avoidant attachment styles are often paired with those who have anxious attachment styles. This combination can lead to a cycle of “push and pull,” with one partner seeking more connection, which in turn may cause the other partner to pull away.
Those differences can lead to challenges in communication, intimacy, and mutual decision-making. Attending couples counseling with your partner may help you both learn about your individual attachment styles and how those differences may be at the root of some relationship difficulties.
We are consistently learning more about the remarkable capacity of our brain to change, adjust, and adapt. Mistakes or behaviors that have characterized previous relationships don’t have to occur forever. And having had difficulty establishing meaningful connections in the past doesn’t mean you can’t have a healthy and fulfilling relationship in the future. The more you can understand why you make certain choices, the more optimistic and empowered you may feel about your future relationships.
