Most people can handle life’s ups and downs, especially if you are older and have been through a lot. But how do you cope with personal disasters that rip apart your life? The death of a child, spouse or parent…divorce… serious accidents…even weather disasters that destroy your home or possessions?
These types of calamities are hard to deal with because you so rarely experience them, says British crisis- and disaster-recovery expert Lucy Easthope, PhD. You may become overwhelmed and don’t know how to muster the resilience to get through each day.
For the past quarter century, Dr. Easthope has navigated some of the most difficult events in the human experience. She has worked every major global catastrophe—from the 9/11 attacks and the Fukushima Japan nuclear meltdown…to the COVID-19 pandemic and the war in Ukraine. She has sometimes been on the front lines retrieving remains and personal effects…advised on cleanup and reconstruction…and helped stricken victims and communities mend in the aftermath.
Bottom Line Personal spoke to Dr. Easthope about what life in disaster zones has taught her about crisis management on a more personal level…
Strategy: Understand the five phases of disaster and recovery
Our emotional responses to catastrophes—even personal ones—have a recognizable pattern. Understanding this structure allows you to navigate the crisis-management process more effectively and reduce feelings of isolation and self-blame. The five phases…
Impact
When a crisis hits, even if you are prepared, you’re plunged into shock, panic and disorientation. Denying what is unfolding can lead to paralysis. Example: During Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans, hundreds of elderly men and women refused to evacuate despite dire and mandatory warnings.
Heroic
In the immediate aftermath of the disaster, survivors often report adrenaline-induced acts of self-preservation and rescue. You do what needs to be done because you don’t have the leisure to fall apart.
Honeymoon
In the days and weeks after a crisis, the cavalry arrives. You are surrounded by friends, family, co-workers and, in some cases, government agencies that swarm in with energy, goodwill and promises. There’s a powerful sense of shared survival and anticipation of a relatively quick recovery.
The Slump
In the months after the crisis, though, reality sets in. It becomes apparent that the return to normal could take far longer than expected, if at all. Support even from close friends and family atrophies because they need to get back to their own lives and priorities. Ongoing stress makes it challenging to retain optimism and problem solve.
Recovery
This is the longest and most unpredictable stage…and the most personalized. It can last months or even years. You experience grief…recognize personal strengths…and re-examine life priorities. Some victims feel renewed empowerment, rebuild their lives and begin to put the terrible event behind them. But such upticks can be fragile and fleeting, and you may sink back into the slump. Eventually you accept that even if you can’t undo the disaster in your life, there are many steps you can take to profoundly change and improve what happens next.
Strategy: Make an impact statement
Whenever I arrive at the scene of a disaster, I write down everything that has happened. My impact statements can number hundreds of items—not just what needs to be done logistically but also lists of easily overlooked small psychological and emotional damages that victims suffer. Impact statements—even following the death of a family member or a divorce—help foster a sense of control and order to break though the shock and denial of what has happened. These comprehensive lists also provide an initial roadmap of what long-term recovery might look like.
Strategy: Look for “mud boards”
During the recovery from a disaster, just when things start to go well, you unexpectedly may slump backward. To extricate yourself from the slump, look for mud boards—like solid boards you lay down to provide something to hold onto and pull yourself out of quicksand. One suggestion: Look around at who else you can help who is in even worse shape. Altruism helps gets you out of your own head and out of the house a few times a week. It can be a powerful mud board, a way to empower yourself, see a horizon and envision life afterward.
Strategy: Allow yourself some silly joy
After a crisis, victims often lose their ability to feel enjoyment. Post-disaster life asks so much of us. It asks us to simultaneously remember, forget, memorialize and move on, all in one, painful breath. Many victims think living with the pain, guilt and uncertainty all the time is being vigilant. But even in the worst times, life cannot be a series of days where you just get by. Grief is hard work, and at some points, you deserve to compartmentalize and seek out something frivolous and distracting for a bit of time.
Crisis Management to Help Others
Many of us have limited experience helping friends or family members cope after life-altering situations. It can feel awkward, and you may not know what to do. Helpful strategies…
Strategy: Shift from intervention mode to attuned mode
Often less is more for people in painful and terrible situations. Instead of trying to actively save them, support them through compassionate witnessing and nonjudgmental listening. Quiet your brain…put your phone away…and just be with them.
Strategy: Avoid toxic positivity
It’s natural to want to help people by countering their misfortune with a sunnier, more hopeful attitude. Examples: You tell an elderly widow who lost her husband, “He’s in a better place now”…or a friend who has lost her hair to chemotherapy treatments for cancer, “Everything happens for a reason.” Reality: These comments minimize their feelings and the magnitude of their loss. Better: Be truthful by not tiptoeing around what a person is going through. No matter how hard you find it to talk to someone about what has happened, remember that it’s much harder for them. Ask people in crisis questions that are bite-sized and not overwhelming. Example: Instead of asking, “How’s it been going?” say, “How are you feeling right now?” You can’t remove a person’s pain, but you can at least validate it, which is a surprisingly powerful move that makes them feel less alone.
Strategy: Be honest and intentional about the help you offer
Many people overpromise or feel compelled to make a gesture but then don’t follow through (either because they don’t want to keep bothering the victim or the gesture seems insignificant and they just forget about it). If you promise to change a light bulb, set a time to do what you said you would.
Strategy: Bring lasagna
When my father died, I remember walking into his kitchen after the funeral and seeing a dozen dishes of lasagna from friends stacked on the kitchen counter—it was a towering expression of love. Over the course of my career, in almost every type of disaster situation, victims always value contributions of food. Reason: They rarely have the energy, interest or ability to cook for themselves. Plus, food has a primal association with human connection and comfort. Reminder: Give food in containers you don’t need back.
Strategy: Appoint a “burnout monitor”
Helping someone through a major crisis can sometimes be so consuming that you neglect your own needs and minimize signs that you are getting run down. Ask a trusted friend or loved one to alert you when they see this starting to happen. Signs of burnout: Starting to resent victims or becoming overly involved and taking on their worries…becoming obsessively clean (everyone knows to duck for cover when I get the vacuum out)…feeling that you are indispensable to a victim’s recovery and unable to accept when your role is no longer required.
