Do you set demanding standards for yourself…sweat every last detail…tell people, “I’m fine” even when you’re terrible?
Perfectionists are some of the highest achievers in our society—people like Apple cofounder Steve Jobs, Vogue editor Anna Wintour and chef Gordon Ramsey. Their lives look great, and they’re often venerated for their conscientiousness, motivation and strong work ethic.
But if you have suffered from perfectionism, there’s also a cost, warns clinical psychologist Ellen Hendriksen, PhD. Privately, nothing you do ever feels good enough. Perfectionism can be exhausting and relentless, triggering anxiety and depression. Plus, it often makes you want to control situations and people, so it can be difficult to make and maintain deep and authentic connections with colleagues, friends and family.
Bottom Line Personal asked Dr. Hendriksen why perfectionism makes you act the way you do and about her strategies for how to stop being a perfectionist…
WHAT IS A PERFECTIONIST?
Here’s how to tell if the need to be flawless is affecting your life…
You equate your self-worth with your performance
What you do in specific areas of your life becomes a referendum on your value and likeability as a person, including your work, appearance and parenting…how tidy your home is…and how many things you finished on your to-do list today. It’s natural for individuals to feel bad or disappointed when they fall short of goals. But perfectionists can’t settle for subpar or mediocre outcomes because they believe it is evidence that they are subpar or mediocre, even if their standards are unrealistic. High achievers enjoy the process of growing, striving and chasing a goal as much or more than actually achieving it, and they’re able to rebound from failures. Perfectionists focus primarily on results, and their rigid thinking makes it a struggle to adapt to changes and learn from mistakes.
You criticize yourself harshly
Perfectionists are their own worst critics, believing the more they beat themselves up or shame themselves, the less likely their chances of falling short. Even if a perfectionist does fulfill his/her expectations, he just sees it as a sign that he must not have been sufficiently demanding in the first place.
Your fear of failure is intense
Because perfectionists place so much stock in results and not making mistakes, it’s easy for them to get stuck in a cycle of procrastination and paralysis. Either they avoid tasks entirely…or obsess over tasks that may seem unimportant to others, such as rewriting a to-do list or reorganizing the linen closet. Also, perfectionists are hesitant to take risks beyond what they excel in because they don’t want to struggle and disappoint.
You always need to appear strong and in control
People around a perfectionist often admire his strength and turn to him for advice and help when they are troubled or in crisis. But there’s no emotional reciprocity on the part of the perfectionist. He shows them only the good stuff, so he may come off as detached, arrogant and unwilling to share his real self. His overregulation and aversion to revealing any weakness, self-doubt or messy feelings leave him feeling isolated, always on the outside looking in.
STRATEGIES TO HELP PERFECTIONISTS
It’s challenging for perfectionists to mitigate the pressure and discontent they feel. Reason: They are wary of lowering their standards, which have gotten them far in life. They think accepting “good enough” leads to mediocrity. But a perfectionist can have high standards and still be good to himself.
Here are five ways to integrate the inevitable shortcomings and failures that are a part of being human into your life without sapping your motivation or giving up on excellence and achievement…
Quiet your inner critic
Perfectionism means that you thrive on all-or-nothing thinking. Examples: You eat one cookie and think you’ve blown your diet…or you forget to put money in a parking meter, get a ticket and spend the rest of your day thinking, I’m such an idiot! What is wrong with me? Trying to reassure yourself that you are a conscientious person doesn’t alleviate your frustration because it feels like a lie. Better: Actively rephrase the internal statements you make using a more balanced structure. Say to yourself, I’m a very conscientious person, but today I zoned out when I was parking the car and slipped up. This keeps your standards high but gives you some wiggle room for making a mistake without trashing your self-worth.
Focus on the work, not what it means about you
One of my personal heroes is legendary UCLA basketball coach John Wooden, who won 10 NCAA championships and once won a record 88 games in a row. Coach Wooden practiced what’s known as instructional self-talk. He seldom complimented or rebuked his players. Instead, he simply gave them information on how they could improve specific basketball skills such as passing and shooting. He encouraged players to focus on their own effort, craft and preparation rather than worrying about outcomes and what is said about them.
Try cognitive defusion
When perfectionists think, I’m not good enough, they treat it as undisputed fact. But most of our internal self-criticisms are really passing thoughts, rather than reality or truth. Listen to your thoughts as if they were music playing in the background at a coffee shop—it is there floating by, but you decide how much or little to engage with it. Variation on cognitive defusion: Play with your self-critical thoughts to make them a little bit ridiculous or irreverent. Examples: One client likes to imagine his thoughts were being voiced by Kermit the Frog from The Muppets. Another client made up a little tune and sang the self-critical thought to herself. Accept that self-judgment is just what your brain does, and then try to engage with it differently.
Stop shooting yourself in the foot to feel better
Perfectionists often berate themselves for laziness when they procrastinate. But procrastination isn’t rooted in lack of effort, will or character. It’s more about the immediate and temporary relief we get from avoiding negative emotions associated with a task. Emotions such as the fear of making a mistake, incompetence, getting overwhelmed and flailing or simply failing. To break through your paralysis, you need to address those emotions effectively enough to get started. Two approaches…
Change “I have to” to “I choose to.” A subtle shift in perspective can be the nudge your psyche needs. By switching a tedious, looming task from a threat to be endured to a challenge, you shift your feelings from dread to drive. You can facilitate this process by starting on the most enjoyable task on your list rather than the most important or timeliest.
Break the task into ridiculously small steps. Select steps that are so easy and unintimidating that you feel no emotional resistance or fear. Example: If you have to write a report, your first step might be to open the laptop or document and type in your contact information.
Let people see behind the curtain
To feel less isolated and more connected to others, stop concealing large parts of yourself. Be willing to reveal less-than-flattering personal emotions and thoughts, even if you fear they might result in criticism and rejection. Creating connection is counterintuitive—you think you are making a great impression by not disclosing your foibles and weaknesses, but people will be more drawn to you if you have the courage to reveal what’s really going on. Two very simple techniques to make you more relatable and likeable…
Big Three Plus One. When you are engaged in conversation with someone, sit or stand in a relaxed manner, take a deep, satisfying breath in and out, half-smile, and then raise your eyebrows slightly. That is a subtle universal signal of engagement and approachability. This signals to others that you are relaxed and open.
Match + One. Ask another person a question about himself/herself. Listen mindfully to his response, then match his level of disclosure and go a little further with your own. Example: Say to your colleague, “How was your long weekend?” Your colleague responds, “Great. I went out of town to visit my family.” You respond, “I traveled to see my mother. She has been having a hard time since her dog passed away.”
