Joseph P. Allen, PhD
Joseph P. Allen, PhD, Hugh P. Kelly Professor of Psychology, director, Virginia Adolescent Research Group, University of Virginia, Charlottesville.
When my friend recently told his teen daughter that he would not allow her to stay out past her curfew to attend a party, she did not reply with “Thanks for nothing!” or “You have to!” or even “I hate you!” as many teens might have. Instead, she said assertively, “But I did all of my homework and chores, and you said that I could do something fun if I met my goals for the week.” Talk about a comeback! This girl often will fire back retorts like this that are feisty but actually quite reasonable—and hard to argue with.
If you have a teen son or daughter like this—one who isn’t shy about arguing with you and has the gift of gab—there’s a silver lining, according to a University of Virginia study published in the December 22, 2011 issue of Child Development. To learn more about the findings, I called Joseph P. Allen, PhD, a professor of psychology at the university and the lead author of the study.
Dr. Allen told me that researchers followed about 150 male and female teens over approximately three years. The researchers watched them interact with their parents over an issue that they disagreed about (such as money, grades or household rules). They also gave the teens—and the teens’ best friends—questionnaires on alcohol and drug use.
The results: Researchers found that, in general, the teen tended to become more like his/her best friend over time—for better or for worse. If a teen had a friend who used less drugs and alcohol than the teen did at age 15, then the teen was less likely to use these substances at age 16 than at age 15…and conversely, if a teen had a friend who used more drugs and alcohol than the teen did at age 15, the teen was more likely to use these substances at age 16 than at age 15.
But, interestingly, kids who had been observed as being assertive during the discussion with their parents (those who did not back down and argued reasonably, but not aggressively) were less likely to follow in the footsteps of a friend who used more drugs or alcohol than they did. In other words, said Dr. Allen, the kids who were more likely to stand up to their parents were also more likely to stand up to their peers. Of course this isn’t a foolproof recipe for teens resisting peer pressure, but it’s certainly an intriguing correlation.
So having a teen who likes to talk back a little may not be such a bad thing after all. Now, that’s not to say that all arguing is good or that kids should be allowed or encouraged to have tantrums. The key word is assertive, not aggressive. Here are some examples of what the assertive teens did well…
I asked Dr. Allen why he thought this might have made kids less susceptible to peer pressure. “What these kids learned in handling disagreements at home is likely what they took into their peer world. If the teens thought that there was no point in arguing with their parents, then they probably tended to do the same with their peers and just went with the flow,” said Dr. Allen. “If you take your teens’ concerns, reasons and viewpoints seriously, then you teach them to expect others to take them seriously.”
The takeaway? When you find yourself arguing with an “in-house” lawyer, let the conversation run, as long as it’s civil. These arguments may be annoying, but they are actually a training ground for teens on how to stand up for themselves—both inside and outside of the home.
