Kati Morton, LMFT
Kati Morton, LMFT is a licensed marriage and family therapist practicing in Santa Monica, California. She is the author of Are u ok? A Guide to Caring for Your Mental Health For her videos and more, go to KatiMorton.com
Your sister and her clingy friend. Your coworker and his jealous wife. We’ve all seen toxic relationships.
But when we are the ones being harmed, we may ignore the signs.
Harmful relationships can occur at any age—and often take a toll on our physical and mental health.
Toxic relationships come in many forms. Among the most common types (some key elements overlap)—and steps that can improve things…
The no-boundaries relationship. If you have ever had a romantic partner who said that he/she literally couldn’t live without you, you’ve been in this kind of enmeshed relationship. This also could take the form of a friend who insists on seeing you more often than you would like, even when you try to get some alone time.
These relationships are sometimes called “codependent” because they often hinge on one person pushing down boundaries and another who lets the other person do it.
Red flags: You feel like you can’t do anything alone without upsetting the other person. You can’t even make decisions that have nothing to do with this person without feeling guilty.
What helps: If you feel guilty making plans without this person, don’t simply stop returning phone calls or e-mails. Tell him/her that you feel the need for some alone time. See if that gives you an opportunity to have a productive conversation about ways that both of you can set healthier boundaries that allow space for others.
The manipulative relationship. There are two kinds of master manipulators—the first manipulates other people mostly to get them to stay in relationships…the second, more deceitful kind, uses manipulation to get something else, such as money or access to power.
The person using manipulation to keep a romantic partner or friend often has a low sense of self-worth and a fear of abandonment. This person tends to need a lot of reassurance. Manipulation is just one of his coping strategies.
The person using manipulation to get something from you may come into your life like a whirlwind and end up borrowing large sums of money or working his way into your will before you realize what’s happening.
Red flags: This person may start by requesting little things, then quickly ask for more. You may feel that the relationship is moving too fast.
What helps: Ask close friends and family members what they think of your relationship. Sometimes those
individuals can be more objective.
If they confirm your suspicions,
you’ll need to decide whether to let
the relationship go or try to stop the
unhealthy behaviors.
The abusive relationship. Most people associate abuse with physical harm, but emotional abuse can be just as dangerous. In either situation, most abusive relationships include jealousy, manipulation and unhealthy dependency in a recurring cycle that may play out over days or months…
Tension building: The abuser may be frequently irritated over minor issues, such as household chores or where to eat out, so that the other person feels as if he is walking on eggshells.
Crisis: The abuser lashes out with whatever abuse—physical or emotional—has marked the relationship. (Note: Emotional abuse can escalate to physical abuse. Don’t dismiss a threat of physical harm—it can be a red flag that physical abuse will occur.)
Reconciliation: The abuser apologizes and may promise to never strike out again.
Calm: A peaceful period may precede the next buildup of tension.
Red flags: Abusers may not show their stripes immediately. But pay attention if a new person in your life expects you to check in constantly…loses his temper over minor issues…and/or isolates you from others. If someone hits you or finds ways to humiliate you, that’s always abuse.
What helps: If this cycle of abuse sounds familiar, consider seeking therapy. Abusive relationships are hard to untangle, and you may be better off leaving rather than trying to work things out. A therapist can help you make that decision. Look for one who specializes in trauma, post-traumatic stress disorder and/or domestic violence.
If you feel physically threatened in your relationship, tell someone else what’s happening and make a plan to get out. (The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233.)
