“Negative Nancy” is a slangy term to describe a person who sees life as a bleak, arduous and joyless trek. And there’s “Debbie Downer,” too, which describes someone who takes pleasure in bursting other folks’ bubbles of happiness or hope. These are people whose glasses are neither rose-colored nor half-full… and I think we can use these nicknames as lighthearted reminders that we actually have a choice about how we view the world!
Negativity and the idea that our outlook affects everything in our lives was the topic of my most recent conversation with Lauren Zander, life coach and regular Daily Health News contributor. Lauren told me that again and again she meets people who are unaware of the negative chatter playing nonstop in their brains. Most don’t realize that they have the ability to tune that voice to something much more pleasant. In fact, Lauren told me that in her many years of helping people live their best lives, she has realized that “nothing is more important than getting these people to to pay attention to their negative inner voice.”
That’s a powerful statement, isn’t it? It’s the flip side of the power of positive thinking. While people understand and accept that a positive outlook can do wonders, many still allow negative thoughts to stream through their days, carrying messages like “that will never work out for me” or “I could never get a job like that.” Whether you are telling yourself that you don’t have the fortitude to get your PhD… the personality to have a better social life… or the ability to save enough to retire in 10 years, you’re reminding yourself that you are low on the totem pole for getting life’s rewards.
If you’re thinking that this doesn’t apply to you, think again. We all have such gloomy voices chatting nonstop in our heads—including through the sleepless hours of the night. Astonishingly, most people don’t even hear them, Lauren said. We think of the voice as just a “silent commentary we make as we go about the day,” she says, largely because our relationship with it is an unconscious one. The inner voice takes up residence early in life and becomes a part of our personal history. We don’t realize how destructive it can be, in part because we don’t even know it’s there. We don’t question it—it just is.
But would you allow someone else to speak to you that way? Your inner voice can be downright mean and nasty—saying things for which you’d chastise a child or maybe even a peer. Yet we let our voices bring our spirits down with critical, demoralizing commentary as though it were factual—not something made up in our heads.
For instance, Lauren told me that when she asks people if they believe it’s “possible” to find love, they respond enthusiastically “of course!” But when she asks that person whether he/she will find love, the reaction is entirely different. “They tell me they’re too old, don’t have time, aren’t attractive enough—and what they are really saying is that their voice has told them that love happens to others…but it will not happen to them.”
Here’s a surprise, though. The voice that sounds mean is actually trying to protect you. It’s safer to give in to fears that you won’t succeed than to put yourself on the line and go after something you want—whether it’s a better relationship with your sibling or enough votes to win a local election. The alternative—which is to face the fact that you actually might realize your dreams if you are willing to do what it takes to get there—can be scary. And here’s an interesting insight: Lauren says that it’s safe to assume that the topics about which your voice is most negative are the ones where you feel most vulnerable, unhappy and powerless to change.
Possibly you despair about a low bank account. Are you telling yourself that there’s nothing you can do—that your expenses are what they are and that your salary is what it is, so you’re stuck? That’s a sure sign that your voice is trying to convince you that you have no power in this matter. Really though, you can change almost everything in life including getting more money! The first step is to change the voice, says Lauren. When you give up being its victim, you become the master of yourself and of your life…but this won’t just happen. To become a positive force, your voice needs to be trained and you, of course, are the trainer.
Regular Daily Health News readers won’t be surprised that Lauren says the first thing you must do to retrain your negative thinking is to grab a pen and paper. Find a quiet place to sit and dream up a description of your ideal scenario, how you’d like things to be in the part of life where you feel most dissatisfied. Be very specific. If it’s your empty bank account, the scenario might go something like this: “When I pay my bills each week, I pay each one in full. I have savings equivalent to three months’ salary in the bank. When I shop, I have a list and buy only what I need. I’ve budgeted X dollars to spend on things I want every month, and I don’t exceed that amount—ever. I feel in control of my finances.”
Now that you know what the life you want looks like, begin to listen carefully and make note of anything and everything you say to yourself that contradicts the possibility that you could create it as a reality. When you hear yourself say, “I already owe so much on this credit card, why not spend $100 to upgrade my cell phone”…stop. Don’t buy the phone—the one you have works just fine. When you can do this, you are beginning to hear your inner voice—which is what will enable you to turn it off. You’ll feel powerfully in control—and by consciously making a different choice, you will be a step closer to living the life you described.
Amazing things begin to happen when you realize that you have the power to take control of your inner voice and redirect it. When you have trained yourself to hear the earliest whines and grumbles of negativity, you can decide to be a new, more positive self. You can cut the voice off and think about something else. “Instead of listening to the dire predictions and dark thoughts, think about someone you love, call a friend or go to the movies or go out to garden,” says Lauren. “This is how you move your mind.” Ultimately you will be able to decide what thoughts you will allow in your mind about any area of your life—choose your words carefully and you will make your life better!
